Little Miss Perfect

October 1, 2011
The night before, after a day at B&N, Ross, shopped for headphones, capris, and nude heels with red soles, I arrived home and my dad got the mail. My F21 order came just in time! I was so worried it wouldn't make it before saturday, which was the pageant i had to go to and wear a dress. Anyways, here are the things i bought. The rusty shirt turned out nicer than i thought - loose off shoulder boho top; pink floral romper/dress was a little loose but i definitely love it! It didn't come with the belt, so i added that in and i got a gold layered necklace to wear it with. I also adore the lace tights - definitely a better quality than my other 5 tights, and real comfortable.

So earlier: went hiking in the morning, mocha coolata from dunkin donuts, mini family gathering at my place, shower and ready from 12-3:00pm. Cousin's house around 5pm, pizza before leaving for the Ms. Asia-Arizona Pageant. Met AC, screamed for #1 HL, and #4 MM - absolutely gorgeous. laughters and crushes on #4. disturbing old contestants, and performers (belly dancing ladies), miss flirt on the side blehhh, pictures. It was fun. Loved watching #4. Hahhh creep.

I'm Tired

I usually don't care too much or maybe I just block it out of my head, but it seems that tonight, reality slapped me hard. everything is just crashing down on me. though I try to always act calm and look at the brighter side, it just sucks to realize a lot of things. and it's always at night too - when I think too deeply. I'm still waiting on my EAD card to renew my license, I haven't been able to drive anywhere since it only lasted for a month. and my parents didn't even let me drive during those few weeks. I'm so frustrated. I haven't been to dance for a month now and I've been so upset but I dont show it at all. I don't want to push it. cuz if I kept asking, I know they'll end up not letting me dance at all. dance was my only relief, to forget bout all the stress and drama but it's taken from me. along with people that stress me out even more. I don't know why, but I'm really tired of this certain person at school. I mean, I feel bad that she thinks I'm her bestfriend but that's not how I see it at all. and then theres an even more irritating two-faced person. I honestly don't even care about you, and what you do. you're fake and spoiled and I'm tired of all your bullshit. I'm just so upset. I start to doubt myself and have a really low self esteem. and no one seems to like me, I don't feel worth it at all. I know that isn't true but that's how it feels right now. I'm tired.

It's a lace day

September 29, 2010 (Happy birthday to my brother O)
 
I wore my cream lace top with a mustard skirt, gold and teal owl necklace, and brown oxford-ish boots over dark brown socks. Wavy hair, yellow purse, and round vintage sunglasses. ENG101 in the morning, had my professor check my rough draft (Cause & Effect paper and mine was about my addiction to shopping and clothes - how ironic) and his only comment, once again, was ‘Excellent, great details, nice title, great thesis, nice topic’ over and over again, but he never gives me a 100 for my final paper. Anyways, after that, i sat by the benches again in front of my next class and BY comes, followed by GR (she was wearing a nice black lace dress!) then GC (who was also wearing a loose top with lace shoulder detail?) All 3 of us had lace type of clothes on. Then GR goes on about how she absolutely loves my outfit. Its funny ‘cause we were talking yesterday about how we loved vintage clothing, and here we are today with lace-type clothing. MATH150, prof handed out our tests and i absolutely expected that. He wrote a note on my take home test saying "if i find out that you allowed another student to look at your work, you will get a zero on this test!!" and whenever he corrects a problem, he'd put so much exclamation points. so i can basically hear him screaming in my head. the fuuuh. it's quite ironic though because my on my in-class test, i had the highest score in class; second highest for the take home (which a lot of people failed btw). oh well. i just laugh at how my prof hates me, when i do so well in that class. ate lunch and worked out at the gym after. aunt picked me up and took me to my brother and cousins' taekwondo class. me and JG sat and watched. the taekwondo teacher kept talking and asking me questions though. until he asked me to try the class, and join them. whuuuut. i just sat saying i didnt want to. but the pressure was all on me since he was disrupting the class while talking to me. so i joined them, i kick pretty hard so that was nice. double workout today. just in time for the Ms. Asia-Arizona pageant this saturday.

It's how you look at things

September 28, 2011

And i thought college couldn’t get any better.. Well, its not that great. I’m flooded with lab reports, essays, tests, and chemistry lectures that pass right through my head. But I’ve decided to be optimistic and look at the brighter things in life. Sure, I’m still upset, stressed, and disappointed but there are little things that make my day. These past few days were great! Seeing old high school friends, making new friends, and long chit-chats. Hanging out on the benches while waiting for our next class to start: like me and a bunch of my friends are gathered in that one area like we own it haha. hilarious jock guy who makes a good impersonation of our math teacher, and who overreacts his stories. love it! library, tutor GR, and we end up talking about our similar addiction to shopping! i can’t believe we had so much in common (cant stand scary movies, likes shopping alone most of the time, feels pressured or rushed when with friends at the mall, likes vintage clothing, looks online for clothes, can spend a whole day in f21..) yeah. you get the picture.

ENG101: chitchats about tv shows, annoying girl who doesn’t know what ‘to go in order’ means, hilarious teacher who thinks my rough drafts are excellent (3 papers in a row!)

MATH150: i’m starting to know a bunch of people there. just laughing to myself while my professor hates on me because i had my phone out one time - just to look at the review guide for that class. then he makes a big deal out of it and writes a note on the grade page online. i still do good in that class. sit right in front, i only talk when he’s not there, and participate. and i dont know if its because im asian, but everyone seems to come to me for help in that class. after our first test, a few asked how i did randomly; before turning in the take home test, i was crowded with people. they know it too, just making sure i got the same answer they did..its pretty funny.

CHM151: hard class that i just cant seem to process the lecture in my brain. funny chitchats with RH; group members; short guy with awesome style that i would randomly make eye contact too..

CHM151LL: oh that class is always interesting. my two group members make it so, and so does the group on the opposite side of the table with us. im pretty sure we’re the loudest table too, and almost too often, the last to finish. JR, AL sure make some hilarious comebacks. we’re all girls while the group across our side of table are all guys. one of ‘em is filipino too who always wear a type of pacquiao shirt. haha. and i dont know why, but i always know for sure that i wont get a good grade in the lab or in class quiz but so far, it’s been the opposite!

You got me

The fact that I crossed your mind
Is enough to make me happy.
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Why are you so close to me whenever i’m with you, but you dont even make the effort to talk to me when i’m not. I hate it. I hate you. But whenever you appear, i just fall all over again. You scared me, surprised me, made me laugh a billion times, gave me the longest hug ever, said sweet words, made excuses to hold my hand. I didn’t come, you asked about me, you came, gave me a hug, talked a little, and left. I try to ignore you because im sure you havent thought of me for even a second. I dont want to think about you but i just do. I can’t help it. I try so hard to forget but you made such a big impact in my life. I hate you. I saw you again, but this time, i didn’t even want to look at you.
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Why can't you just tell me how you feel, because how you act is confusing me.

I feel like I'm waiting for something that isn't going to happen.
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Even though i’ve stopped liking you, everytime someone mentions your name, my head turns right towards them. It’s like every time i hear it, I think of all we could of had, all that could of happened but didn’t.

I don’t care. I won’t care. I shouldn’t care. Can you please just stop appearing in my life? Let’s move on, to a world where you don’t care, and i won’t either.

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Can you stop appearing in my life already? I hate falling for you everytime i see you, yet i know it goes nothing from there, we go nothing from there, you forgot about us. And you just walk in like you’re the king of the world, not knowing that there’s this hopeless girl just waiting for you. I hate how you do whatever it is you feel like it. Ok, go and give me a hug, but all i wish is that you don’t hear that sound when my heart skips a beat. I hate this. I haaaaate you.

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You were never supposed to mean this much to me; I was never supposed to fall so hard. But you know what? I did and that's the truth, that's what keeps me holding on because it hurts like hell to let you go. 
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The week of dejection

September 17-19, 2011

Woke up this morning feeling a certain uneasiness. Maybe it’s because this day marks the end of dancing at the JB for me - for now at least. I hate this feeling. I just hate it. I understand what they’re trying to say, my mind gets it, but my heart just can’t take it. I don’t know what to do anymore, what to say to them. There’s this evolution AIDS dance workshop today at 12:30, and the cool thing is, its here in lake pleasant pkwy peoria - literally 10-15 minutes away from my place and he doesn’t even want me to go. First they tell me that HHI would be the last, then this church event, but they already told me not to go tonight. And my dad clearly doesn’t know what ‘workshop’ means. He kept going on and on about how a ‘workshop’ is just the basics, that i don’t need to take it. My gosh, its a class. And i need to learn so much more.

I’m upset. But this won’t be the end. Maybe when they actually let me drive by myself, I know I’ll be back.

Rewinding the clock

So a lot has happened during the 18 years of my life and I can't write every single important moment no matter how much I want to. But I do want to remember some so I'll list down the ones that made me who I am today.

• Born in the Philippines and lived there my whole life til I moved to the US in 2007.
• Went to a small charter kindergarten 'Casa Dei Montessorri' - I would say the best school years ever.
• Moved to 'OLGM', from prep to 3rd grade. I was pretty crazy then - best friends, boyish, popular, lots of crushes, confessions.
• Moved to an all girls school 'SHS' from 4th grade to freshman of high school. Drama the first 2 years in there, great school and great friends, and i now just realize that i took advantage of those friendship.
• Moved to the US, freshman in high school (again) at 'WCHS' theatre, dance, stalkers, goths, computer class. oh man.
• Moved to a different city (from a house to an apartment to another house) to 'SDOHS' from sophomore year to senior year. theatre, spanish, friends, asians, junior year, awkward, homecoming, state fair, movies, mall, zoo, senior year, library, half day, prom, best friends, yogurtology, burgerking.
• Outside of school: cousins, family friends, parties, california, reunion, church, shopping, piano/guitar/ukulele
• Halloween, waldo, long hugs, high fives, Castles & Coasters (game, hands, talks), lake pleasant, jetski, volunteer, just dance 2, permit and a long wait for my license, graduation, ukulele, sanfran, social networks, video chats, iphone4, fempro dance company in gilbert, jukebox dance studio, boogiedabeat, performances, auditions, beat killaz, practice all summer, vegas for 1 week for hiphop international 2011, netflix, late night talks, bonding, piano, scared, crowded in the bed, squished in the car, after parties, weird press, food, sleep at 4am, wake up at noon. i miss that week.
• license expired a week before college started at GCC, classes, new and old friends, too much essays, lab reports, tests.

hahh that was a very rough summary of 18 years. wow. im sure i skipped a lot. but clearly, my while life has been all about moving, I've adapted pretty quick, constantly trying new things on the way.